Sydney +. Scarlett

 I went to Miami this weekend to visit my sister. She has moved there to get her PhD in psychology. I recall feeling excited but also really anxious upon this trip. While my sister seems to have many things figured out, I often stand empty. I have played the comparison game with my sister my entire life. Although she was a star soccer athlete, I could never pick one sport I liked enough to stick with. Where she always loved science, I found all the subjects in school simply a game to get a grade. And where grades came, she always soared above and beyond, while I was always just enough below to discount any of its prestige.  In contrast, my sister has always felt so solid, so sure. Of course, her journey is not linear, but she has always had a talent I have never possessed. The ability to choose, to pick, and to grow roots into who and where she is. 

I never knew that not being able to commit to a certain interest would turn into not being able to commit to a career. Or switching from one sport to another, trying to find the "right" one, would turn into never being able to find just the "right" guy. I never knew this long theme of struggling to pick and stick with one thing would follow me my entire life. Why could I not just choose even back then? Just commit to playing soccer every year or finally stick with the piano. 

For me, it was the pressure and rigidity it came with that led me astray. I did not want to have to go to practice every single day at 3:30, regardless of how I felt or how my day had gone. I would rather simply exist. Life never felt so serious, and these structured hobbies never brought much excitement to my life. I'd rather walk in the front yard, flip through a magazine, go play with my friends, or bake something in the kitchen. I now realize I liked doing things on my terms and apart from a team. I now realize I thrive in discovering something rather than picking any singular interest to hone in on for extended periods of time. I can't seem to pick from the options in front of me because the options were not created for a life I'd like to design. While one day I want a lifelong partner, the idea of "marriage" feels conventional and tarnished for me. Where I cannot wait to be a mom, I do not long to be a slave to the education and motherly role. Where I one day want a home of my own, I never want to stop traveling and seeing new places often. So, when asked to choose, I often feel confused and angry. I wonder why it is so important to constantly be yearning for some title, some accolade. When did living become such a crime? When did enjoying the simple things in life become being lazy? When did hobbies have to turn into identities and avenues for capitalization? 

I can enjoy painting and not want to be a painter, I can love kids and never want to become a mom, I can play tennis and not try to become a pro, I can rest and still succeed.

So, upon going on this trip, I knew these realities might be thrown back in my face again. Especially in a time when I was feeling more lost than ever. Unlike her, I had no 5-year program, I would probably never obtain a PhD, and don't even get me started on her display of running medals. I felt defeated as I boarded the plane. Excited to see her life, but knowing it was going to look and feel so different from my own.  

However, when I arrived, this feeling of comparrison wasn't so strong. It was overtaken by pride in the life my sister has created for herself. Living in a beautiful place, pursuing something she is passionate about, being able to be back in school where she thrives, and building a strong community filled with genuine friendship. I have seen my sister go through many things that she doesn't deserve. She has been a steadfast supporter, protector, and confident for everyone she has encountered her entire life. This has led her to give far more than she ever should have; it has led her to be asked far more than she's required because people know she will give. It was so amazing to see life finally giving back to her. 

I could tell from the way she woke, she was at peace. From the way she laughed, that she was happy. And the way she showed us her space, that she was content. 

I took from her space what I needed, and I left what didn't serve me. I saw the beauty in our own separate journeys. While her path might seem much more linear than mine, I have never been the person who has been able to live that way. Where she chooses, I will always seek the unknown. I will always crave something new. 

Even the sunshine, I found myself craving my life back in the Netherlands, filled with gray and clouds. How is that possible? Because it is mine. It is the first place I have independently curated for myself, and I am proud of it. I realized that just like her, I was at peace, I was happy, I was content. I laughed with the same ease and pondered the same questions. 

We are still those same little girls, whose identities have created the gloriously different realities we now get to hold.