The art of choosing

 My phone vibrates with a Google calendar notification that says "work". However, I am in a privileged position where I can decide whether to ignore that notification. I am on a "gap year," at least, that is what my mom is telling her friends back home. I am very regimented so I pull out my laptop to honor my commitment of trying to "work" out my life. 

Upon opening, I am confronted with a plethora of opened tabs: an article on San Diego Children Community Centers, a Google doc about a business I want to start, my master's program application, 2 drafts to blogs I am writing, a Google search on Montesorri accreditation, and a PDF guide on how to set the perfect events tablescape. And then I see my email inbox: messages back inquiring about tennis lessons, a reminder I left my shopping cart full on Shein, JetBlue confirming my upcoming trip and TD bank reminding me to pay my credit card bill. 

It takes everything in me not to just slam my laptop shut and wallow on my bed. Because every day I wake up without a solid plan becoming sidetracked is so easy. There is a never-ending stream of ideas, things to learn, a person I could become, or a hobby I could pick up. So I dive into one just as long as another tab doesn't pull me into its hole. I promise I will eventually go back to my original purpose. But what was my purpose in even opening my laptop? I read a few paragraphs of an article I pulled up on opening a wellness space, and then I ended up on Google Flights to see if the plane tickets got cheaper for my summer vacation, then I ended up on a master portal looking at various masters degrees I could obtain, before slamming my laptop shut and picking up a book I've been trying to read for the past 3 months. I throw everything to the side and lie down on my floor. Sighing as if I had just run a marathon. Because I have. In one hour I just ran through a thousand different ideas of a person or life I could one day live. Except then I realize I am in limbo. I can't do any or all of this right now. I can't open a business, become Montessori certified, get my master's, start a side hustle, write a blog post every week, and work an events job. It gets incredibly overwhelming having no idea where your life is going or even where you'd want it to go. It gets incredibly overwhelming to feel another winter fade to spring and it feels like everyone has bloomed with ideas and discovery and you still are stuck by indecision. 

My degree offers me opportunities to work in many different fields but each feels like in choosing one life I lose the other. I am passionate about many different things: Mental health, education, children, personal growth, writing, exercise, child activism, hosting, and events. 

However, I realize people just pick. I am an au pair and my host mom got her degree in law. Later realized she was passionate about jewels so she went back and studied and became a jewelry appraisal for The Real Real. We see people all the time change career paths or start a business from scratch at 50 years old. 

In the unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, she writes,

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want; And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experiences possible in my life. And I am limited."

Nothing has summed up my emotions more. There is so much to life. There is so much to feel and see and discover and I will never be able to do it all. However, how lucky am I to want to feel and see and do. Some people don't share in this longing. They are content leaving pages unturned, conversations unhad, places unseen. They say "This is what I am good at." and they stop there. Not believing they have the capabilities to become good at whatever they seek. So while I often feel paralyzed by indecision and anxiety about the weight of all the paths I could go down I allow myself to see the beauty in having so many paths to choose from. 

I also see the harm in staying stagnant in never fully committing to a path. So I beg myself and each 20-something to commit to a path. For one year at a time. We are blessed enough to run back if we see it isn't for us. However, there is strength in the vulnerability of surrendering yourself to something. You cannot do everything and be everything at once. Life is long. Do one thing at a time and if it works stick with it. If it doesn't remind yourself you are never stuck. There are so many paths you can choose to go back to and a U-turn is not a loss. Each experience is a paint stroke along the beautiful canvas that will become your legacy. 

If you truly want to learn it takes repetition, it takes true commitment and intentionality. Right now I want to focus on enhancing my skills in Montessori education and developing my business plan for a child development center. I also want to increase my writing, reading, and communication skills. So I am going to commit to writing a blog post a week and reading daily. I am choosing a path and not losing all the others. They are still there if I would like to take a walk on them one day. However, right now I love this path.