My First Winter

 I used to hate the cold and now I love it. 

Well, I wouldn't go that far. I finally see the beauty and life within it. See the cold makes daily life a challenge. Each day regardless of what you do, if you made it out, you're proud. Picking out your outfit is a curated puzzle and frivolous dance. Plans are made around how quickly you can make it from one cozy room to another. If there are heaters or warm beverages. Sinking your hands under hot water becomes a feeling so glorious the world melts away with the cold in your bones. And people take the time when you do arrive to make sure you're consumed with warmth. Whether with a cup of hot tea, starting a warm fire, or a gentle greeting people are ready to bring the warmth back to your bones. 

And you breathe. 

Letting the anxiety disappear as your body warms. If nothing more the cold reminds you to slow down. To be present. To take care of yourself. That life at the end of the day is about survival and nothing more. Keeping yourself warm and nourished so you can survive the winter is a feat within itself. It brought me back down to the simple nature of existing. When all you have is sunshine and pina coladas things slowly lose their glimmer as everything does. Overtime you start to feel less thankful for these things. Because once you've seen the sun it slowly loses its shine. And you realize you haven't learned how to survive a cloudy day. You've relied on this external factor to provide you with gratitude, motivation, and joy. That was me. Growing up in the South sunny days were by the handful. I walked out of the house and felt the sun glisten on my cheeks. It filled my body with heat like a warm hug and just as the sun radiated across my skin, it was easy to feel alive, feel love, feel thankful. However, when I moved to the Netherlands we went 11 days with no sunshine and no blue in the sky. How, as a southerner was I to cope with this? I hadn't realized the pressure I had put on the sun to keep me positive, to keep me alert. Quickly the darkness became a daily challenge and I felt the clouds in my soul, in my mind. Making me feel foggy, groggy, and gray. I had for the first time in my life to figure out how to live through cloudy days. 

Here we have to rely on ourselves. The sky is gray, the roads are frozen, and the air is a crisp 32. That's not going to motivate me to go outside and run or even leave my house for the grocery store. So, I must search within myself to be thankful for something to get me out of bed. Often, for me, it is the joy of daily life here and the nature of my soul that longs to succeed and accomplish goals. We may not see the sun in the sky but there is so much light in other ways I don't come to miss it as often as I thought I would. I see light in the canal outside my window, in the first sip of my hot coffee, in the plethora of trips I have on my calendar. I find joy in listining to bru's laugh, phone calls home, or planning for my friends birthday. I find peace in helping those around me through the hard times, in a good book by my window, and the abundance of time I have been given to work on and reflect on my life. 

It has also reminded me to slow down. Somedays I do tend to just throw the comforter back over my head or lock myself in my room on a Sunday with nothing more than a book and plans to watch a movie. The weather begs you to stay inside, to bundle up, to give yourself grace. And so I have. One day, even in the Netherlands, the sun will return, and maybe then I'll get up. I'll join the grind once again. However, for now I am allowing myself to enjoy throwing the white marshmellow comforter around my shoulders while I sit in front of my window and do nothing more than stare out into this mysterious winter wonderland.